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blinking lights♣

June 21, 2010 / 8:56 PM

I wish there was a signal that told people when friendship was over so that you wouldn't have to sit and wait wondering what happened, why it happened, and how things came to be. I read through an old friend's blog and realized that half the things she wrote didn't make any sense to me whatsoever. And the fact that I thought (or rather, assumed) we were close made me realize that after going to different schools, things happened. And both of us got lost within our new circle of friends. I feel pretty pathetic. It doesn't help that after seeing her last month we didn't even get to talk as much, or even strike up an effortless conversation. I feel left out of everything that's going on in her life. I feel like an outsider. And it sucks, because whenever I feel that way, I can't bring myself up to say it to her. I just don't want to hurt her, or make her feel bad. But what about "forever hold your peace"? I don't even know if this is making sense. My head hurts. The only reason I'm even writing it about here is because I'm feeling miserable, and things that I don't like thinking about always come out when I'm down in the blues. It pisses me off when my mom yells at me for no justifiable reason, especially when she's doing it to let her anger out on me. Why is it that she's waay nicer to complete strangers than her family? And she doesn't trust me one bit. She doesn't let me do anything. ANYTHING. I'm restricted by her stupid fallacies. She doesn't believe in letting go. SHE DOESN'T TRUST ME. I'm really mad. And frustrated. And feeling ... UGH. I don't even want to study anymore. And the camera issue hasn't been resolved yet .. as if it's dropped out of the picture. It isn't even easy to talk about the future with my parents, because their expectations differ from my goals. Sometimes I can't help but feel like people judge me too much, and then already assuming my personality just from the way I do things. They didn't even get to know ME, and they're already predicting my future? Okay, that's great, thanks so much. You don't even know me well, and you're assuming I want to be a doctor/lawyer/something in the science field. I think this whole entry is messed up. I'm messed up at this very moment. It's lame, because I keep thinking after the friendship ended I'd be stronger without you. Reality check: it's the opposite. I'm still missing you, like I'm missing you now. This entry is refering to so many people, it's even difficult for me to keep up with. I'm feeling so insecure right now.

Wow, I just reread this and I think its thoroughly confusing.
We can be so selfish (selfish, selfish, selfish) and caught up in our own problems,
it gets harder to appreciate what we have because we're always going to want more.
I think if you were reading this you would call me off the spectrum or pessimistic,
but this is normally a side to me I don't like to dump on people.
But right now, since I'm feeling like a melted marshmallow,
I refuse to delete this and let this one stay.

I want this summer to be ... the best it can be.
I want to make it that way.
I don't want to miss out on opportunities just because of the answer "NO."
For once in my life, I want to make this summer recklessly fun.
I wonder what's the expression on your face right now.
Right after provincials, the adventures begin.
Thing 1 and Thing 2, you are so coming true.
I think I'm going to call it the Meliza-Nellie challenge.
I'm still mad at my mom, but since she's sleeping now the apartment is much more quieter without her banging of items and angry movements. It's at this time I feel so much more at peace.

I need more sleep.