♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

never ending cycle♣

May 7, 2010 / 8:12 AM

I spent months trying to recover, trying desperately to recover. At first, being your friend felt like I was drowning, but the water was warm so it almost felt luxurious, enjoyable, like moving through warm honey. But then, you left, and it was like the water turned to ice and lungs started to jam up and I couldn't breathe. I was struggling, kicking, failing to get to the top, because my heart felt dead. My limbs felt frozen in place, and I had no clue how I could reach the surface. But I did, and the first breath I took was so painful, and the second, and the third. Eventually, I could hold myself up but I was still shivering for a while, even after I dragged myself out of that water.

I realize I can’t pretend that I mean anything to you anymore, it’s been too long. I can’t see you because I’ll be back to square one. Yes you left me alone. I got up, but I'm still lonely. I know if I see you you're going to leave me alone all over again. And I'm going to have to sit and pick up the pieces, though I don't even know if I have the energy to do it this time.

I can’t keep drowning for you.