♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

thing last on mind♣

April 25, 2010 / 5:45 PM

up-face
courage
perseverance
one disaster less

"Did you know when you dream about a person, that person went to sleep thinking of you? Did you know when the person you like looks at you and then looks down, they’re crazy about you? Did you know that when a person looks at you directly in the eyes they love you more than you think? Did you know when that person looks at you a lot they can’t live without you? Did you know when they leave, they say bye too much because they don’t want to let you go?"

dreams=reality?

my brain's fried with all this math
and I'm steadily getting interested in tattoos

you got me thinking about life again yesterday
it happens everytime
i don't know if you've noticed,
but you've changed. a lot.
I'm not saying that its bad,
buuut.. you're more mature somehow. or less (haha, kidding).
but seriously, yesterday's conversation..
well, it isn't exactly going to be hard to forget.
I had to go to the washroom but totally forgot about it when you called out. I didn't even know you were there. and sometimes I don't get the way you act. most likely I'm over-analyzing every single detail. you're still as perceptive as always (annoyingly so, lol), and you're still nice, but yeah.. I don't know. what stuck out to me most was what you said about change. how we're all going to have to learn to change somehow, for the better. and its best to start now. i havent been feeling myself lately. and saying that when I was feeling pretty crappy, well, that hit a sore spot. i didn't even know what to say to that after. I cant help but feel as if you can read my emotions too easily. or maybe I'm an open book. and plus it brought up the fact how I miss talking to you. and another someone. but it seems as if the longer i hang on, the farther away you guys get. and i cant catch up to it. and i guess its lame i cant say this in person, but i'm so, so scared of losing you guys. i dont want to lose you guys. but its like you guys dont seem to care. or something. like I did something and I lost you already. I did deserve the look you gave me when i said no one would miss me. at that time, i meant it literally. but now, I just don't know. then I went on fb today and saw the invite to the party friday evening, and i froze up. at first i was pretty excited over the fact i'd be seeing old friends again, but then i saw his name and i felt .. apprehension. something even close to fear. and it was all just a reflex reaction, so its even hard to explain. I want to see him again, but i know we'll never get around talking. i'm not even sure if I'm going to be able to go.

I know it's really lame for me to even think about this,
but I just want you guys back. all of you guys.
not how we are now, silence dragging on and communication-bereft.
i dont feel any connection.
and I know you guys wont read this, because instinct tells me so.
this is such a pessimistic entry, started out slightly optimistic too.
and then tomorrow i'll wake up feeling optimistic and forget about the whole thing,
until something triggers my memory and i can't sleep at night.
mpr, thanks for everything this past week.