♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

so yesterday.♣

December 29, 2009 / 7:59 PM

The past few days I've been living in a whirlpool. I haven't been avoiding this or anything, I just found more comfort with my pictures than with words. Hence, my tumblr page. It's only when I got a reminder from my friend about this that for her, I'd write an entry, though God knows whatever's going to come out.

Okay really, right now I can't say anything.
Because I'm just not feeling it,
or rather, just missing it.
I have a feeling I'm going to start a rant.
I'm missing a lot of things I can't have back,
they've just been taken away from me.
And it's only been my paper, camera, and books helping me through it.
Because at times, words fail me.
And so does my heart, it just doesn't know what to do,
what direction to go,
which road to follow.
And I was cleaning my room yesterday when I found this card with this quote inscripted on it,

That's when it kinda broke. Funny, "it" can refer to a lot of things, right? And I'm not sad or depressed or anything like that as I type this, more like.. resigned? speculative? wait, I think the word is contemplative. Because asking for the past back wouldnt prepare us for the future. I want, want, so many things back that I cant have. All thats left are undiluted memories resurfacing. I saw the sun rise this morning on the way to the border. It was pretty; enchanting cause it was a real-life movie playing before my eyes. The pinks, the yellows, the oranges, the reds, the blues.. all intermixing within the palette and brushstokes finalizing at the crack of dawn. Thats the best comparison I can think of right now. I havent done any full drawings, just random sketches here and there. But still I'm happy, its breaking away from the shell that seems to surround me. And lately, with all the procrastination going on around me, thats all I've been doing. I dont want to lose you. Please, I dont want to lose you. But you're already gone from me, the bond we had before seems, or is, diminished. The only thing I have left of you are those poems you wrote. Thats it. But really, there's just nothing. And maybe I'm killing myself with all this blame, but I dont know what happened. With you, I felt more confident in myself. But now all I feel is that missing piece thats healing. somewhat.

Thinking about you doesnt hurt me anymore. no pain.

Lately, it hasnt felt like we're friends. It used to be easier to talk to you, but now, I find it difficult just bringing stuff up in our wall to wall. like I've been pushed back unintentionally. lost amidst the process. Insecurity braves oneself for self analysis. I made that up, I dont know what it means. And then I don't even want to associate the word best friend with you; it hurts. Because eventhough I'm pretending everything's the same between us and I'm not a bit upset at you, things really arent what they seem. I dont feel a connection that must, and you write on my wall you're my best friend. I cant feel it anymore, like the world itself lost all meaning and emotion. You want to know what hurts so much? You dont tell me anything thats going on with your life anymore, back to guys, problems, issues, and all things related. you only tell me bits and pieces, and miss out on the other relevant stuff. yeah, that sounds whiny and brat-like reading that, but its like, I'm founding out stuff about you from other people, and you're telling others while you tell me after, or not at all. and I'm not telling you these things because i dont want to hurt you, or make you feel bad, or make you feel guilty like its your fault because i already know you've been through a lot these past few months. and yeah.

with all this ranting, everything's gone from my head. and heart. the emotions. it feels good, but at the same, there's the loneliness thats penetrating it. i want to tell you these things, but i cant because i'll falter, and i care more about your happiness. i dont want to burden you with this .. eventhough i do feel like confronting you about this.. talk about the downside of a pancake.

I'm nearly to the point when all I want to do is bang my head on the keyboard in frustration. i cant smile for real anymore, all I want to do is throw my paints at the wall, and drown in blue. and the track I've been listening to most of the time is someone's watching over me by hilary duff. just listen to it, it'll reach out to you. the first verse made me cry after seeing the movie hilary duff performed it in (raise your voice) .. and youtubing has also been one of my activites, typing in words and stuff i;ve been wanting to watch. haha sappy romance.

far beyond from crying,
far beyond the second day,
you lost your first chance,
now you're scared of running away.

I'm not really sure if I'm going to finish all that reading I need for DOFE before the break ends now dot dot dot..

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like a kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need every breath that I breathe
Don't you know you're beautiful

movie time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcEYmj0q6Aw