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in all honesty, relinquishing control♣

November 28, 2009 / 7:44 PM

Really, when life kicks your ass,
then kick it back.

It's kinda funny because this week I thought I was the only one who felt crummy, when now there's more than someone else. 'Cause when you're down, all you can think about is yourself and how you seem to build these walls to prevent yourself from getting hurt again when that's just impossibly inevitable. And when you build these walls, sometimes you unintentionally block out the people you don't want to. Then when things just couldn't seem to get worse, you hear people backstabbing you and spreading lies. There's no truth in those actions, no truth at all. What some people want to do is see you fall, crash and burn onto the floor with all your mistakes facing you and your shield misplaced. Frustration builds up, letting loose of your other side that people rarely see, that side you try to conceal for so long as possible because its your weakest link. And when you cry, it feels good in a strange and weird way. Because you're dropping all your burdens onto the floor, and no longer holding on to the little strength you had to begin with. So people make mistakes and wrong presumptions and maybe take things a little too far. Perhaps we all had a fault in this too. Thursday homeroom and first block- probably one of the times I felt the worst in my life. When I cried, it wasnt over one thing, it was over a lot of things.

over you, my best friend who I havent heard from in a long time.
over you, my best friend who hurt me the wrong way.
over you, because I needed you that time but you were in another class.
over you, because you never seem happy with what I do in my life. you're dictating me around like I'm some chopped liver or whatever, and today you got mad for no good fricking reason. sometimes I cant help but feel really frustrated, all you ever do is ADD to my problems. everyday i come home and get yelled at for some papers in my room that you shouldnt even be touching, and little things like dropping a book. you think everything's easy being me. you hold too many expectations. and you're really immature. I'm sick of getting all this crap from you and seeing you favor my brother more. you don't give a damn about me and my feelings. i am not you, quit playing your life through me. if you really gave a damn about me, you'd let me out more often and actually LISTEN to what i have to SAY. you make faces at everything I do and we cant seem to hold a conversation without arguing. I try to compromise, you try to change the topic as quick as you can get out of it. i cant wait till i can move out and live alone. you're always banging things around acting like its my fault. the only one day in the year you treat me right is my birthday, ironically. and people tell me she's just like that for now. i'm sorry, its hard to understand and even comprehend. you're in too much control, and i hate your superficiality. you want to see my face out the door soon? SOME THOUGHTS.
over you, because really I miss you lots but I feel like this friendship is failing.
over you, because eventhough I'm okay with how things are, I hate how you treat me at times. over you, because I feel like you're gone.
over you, I hate how you used me.
over others, because I felt like they were slipping away and leaving me like this mess because they didn't care.

People always form these presumptions about me, and sometimes I wish they'd look deeper, beyond the smiling face and bubbly personality. All they're seeing is the girl in the mirror; one girl still struggling to piece everything together to make her life's masterpiece.

Dear You,
No need to address this, because reading this you'll know it's for you. And I want you to know that hey, we're in this, together. I hope your dinner went well, and so will the rest of this evening. I wanted to tell this to you earlier, but I was thinking of how to phrase it properly but I can't really so I'm just giving up and going to tell you this (which I mean in a polite way): screw it, just live it. Don't let them back you down on one thing and another, don't let them have too much influence on your life that you're going to spend the rest of your life pleasing THEM, but not yourself. you're a beautiful person, did you know that? accept this too, because this isn't a lie. I've never told you this but in my eyes, I admire you at times, because you're strong. and confident. and really, like YOU. do you know how rare it is to meet people who are really themselves? you can tell who's who, you're not afraid to do this or that, you're YOU. and thats a beautiful thing, okay? you're doubting this now, all I'm asking for you is to believe this. imperfections make you gorgeous, and life's mistakes like throwing curveballs at us because it's ... life. a living mystery, the next chapter holding no foreshadowing but keeping to the present tense. and when you're lost in the crowd, just remember that there's another person in another place and time who feels the same. when you're feeling really out of it, just remember there's always someone ready to listen- like, whenever you need it buddy.


and when it comes to boys.. you'll meet someone times deux who'll flip your heart around and turn your frowns upside down. plus he'll be worth it. we ask for these things now but it seems like fate enjoys playing with our feeling, one tug here and one tug there. sometimes people say the wrong thing at the wrong time which makes it really off, but keep patience intact and forgive and forget. your friends love you, lots. even if it doesnt show. there's more to life than school, and I know you know this so please, dont fret but take a deep breath and relax. the negative and the postive- one cant exist without the other, just like the forces of good and evil. one last thing before I end this - I love you lots, please smile, and I'll hear from you soon <3