♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

one last time, i promise.♣

May 11, 2009 / 8:44 PM

i miss you. lots.
and love you, still.

i've never admitted it to anyone, or anything.
but now i'm breaking down here.
idk why, but i am.

maybe its the fact i stumbled across your facebook picture by accident,
and saw the girl in your pic.

maybe its the fact that i've never met anyone like you,
that i keep going back to you,
and rereading the convo's i try to delete.

maybe its the fact that when i first met you,
i started believing in love at first sight.

shallow, troubled thoughts wont keep me and the words from flowing.

i wish i could see you again.

like, just hang out as friends. when i first you, you were .. you were.. ahaha you were someone i felt like i could tell anything to, someone who i could be as crazy and wacky as i could be. true we havent seen each other in years, but thinking back now, i wish we had. it'd be easier to be friends, instead of me thinking about the possibility of being something more, something unattainable and out of reach. whenever i'm bored, i reread all the convos we had, from Day 1 to day.. whatever. when it ended. i blame myself for the fact that the one thing i couldnt tell you was how i felt about you, when you asked me about my status. you werent like any other guy i met- you stood out from the rest. you were hilarious, funny, interesting, and ..sweet (in a subtle way). all in all you were someone i enjoyed talking to, someone who i could vent and rant and you'd understand. and now, i'm really missing you. i wish we could patch up things and fix them. i wish we could go back to how we were before. i wish .. i wish for a lot of things, a lot of things that i have trouble fixing. someone asked me if i still liked you, and yeah i said no. but then the truth is, eventhough i've been denying it, it doesnt mean i cant stop or control my feelings for you. aha maybe this is weird, or dumb. but yeah its just me. thinking about you makes me sad, and there's nothing i can do about it. all i ever wanted was right in front of me, and i couldnt even stand up and reach it. all i ever lost was right there, willing to patch it up, but i lost it. i blew the chance, just like how i blew other chances. i'm scared of taking that leap, leap of faith. i'm scared of the unexpected, like whats going to happen. are we going to risk our friendship? are we going to lose everything? i'd rather hide my feelings for a guy instead of risking the friendship. and thats what i did with you. but instead, i risked everything, and lost it. now there's no going back, besides thinking of the fact of what could have happened, if things just didnt happen that way.

deep inside there's always going to be,
that little cut inside my heart,
thats never going to heal.